Meagan Hickman

Saved my life. A consistent war waged on my body, and my mind was constantly exhausting me for years. It was the overwhelming feeling of emptiness like I was just a shell of a human being. It was the relentless replaying of the situation(s) over and over in my mind, desperately trying to figure out what I could have done differently that could have resulted in an outcome that hurt me less. It was the need to numb to feel some semblance of peace through substances, food, exercise, and anything I could find over the years to keep my mind busy after my trauma. It’s the frequent pursuit for high-intensity situations because adrenaline felt familiar and it turned off my emotions, and I can function in that space. It was doing things to try to make sure I was not at risk of being hurt again..but that never worked well ending with me feeling hopeless and not caring what the results would be, I felt like I didn’t have a purpose in this world. Constant physical pain and little things around me that reminded me of what happened in my past, were like an ongoing torture session. My medications regulated my emotions, and I knew how to function in that space. However, I was inconsistent with taking medications as I was called a drug addict on multiple occasions and was afraid of possible repercussions. The sleepless nights filled with obsessive thoughts of what happened in my past flooded my body with sensations. It was caused by years of avoidance; cutting off my emotions because my experiences had reinforced that emotions aren’t safe, helpful, welcome, or productive. I felt the need to have control over my environment to feel safe but had no control. This consistent war waged on my body and my mind for years and was constantly exhausting, Post traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) took havoc on my body soul, and mind. Trauma occurs whenever our life as we know it is threatened, physically or emotionally or we witness a life-threatening event happen to someone else we know. This could be from physical life traumas, unwanted sexual experiences, car accidents, physical violence, health crises, physical neglect of a child or person who is not able to care for themselves, etc. It could also be from emotional life threats like intense family discord or divorce, emotional neglect, having a loved one with a mental illness or substance use disorder, emotional and/or verbal abuse (bullying), harassment, loss of someone or something you loved, and/or loving someone who has experienced a life-threatening situation. When we experience enough threats to our lives as we know it, we lose our ability to make decisions for ourselves while the threat is still active. Our amygdalas (which are the parts of our brains that are responsible for our fight, flight, freeze, submit, and attachment cry responses) take over to make a millisecond decision about what is going to keep us safest at that moment given circumstances. Is fighting an option? If the answer is no or if fighting might put us at greater risk, our brains move on to the next survival response. Can we run or get out of the situation somehow? If the answer is that physically escaping, we all know that is not a safe possibility in the moment or may put us in greater danger, our systems will freeze to see if not moving makes us less of a threat or offers our system less distress. When distress continues or our freeze response is not reducing the threat of the situation, our systems move into a submission response while disconnecting us from emotional and physical responses to reduce the amount of pain experienced at the moment. All of these things happen within seconds and are outside of our cognitive control. I spent years living outside of my cognitive control, but had the support of Allay, I needed to get through. If you have experienced trauma, and you are reading this, your system can be effective again with the proper support and the treatment Allay Health and Wellness offers patients. Since survival is your brain’s top priority, your brain did its job well. For some of us, we experience so many or such intense perceived threats that our brains learn that keeping us on high alert at all times is what is going to keep us and the people we love safest. However, when our environment becomes safer, sometimes our brains still feel like we are in danger of getting hurt. It’s like our brains become overachievers and workaholics in their efforts to keep us safe by working incredibly hard to constantly assess for and prevent threats from manifesting in our immediate environments. But just like for workaholics, this constant work comes with some costs of high levels of distress, physical consequences, emotional exhaustion, and losing the ability to know when it may be okay and safe enough to rest. To help us find some relief, sometimes we find things that help alleviate some of the distress, anxiety, depression, overwhelm, fear, and/or physical challenges we are experiencing that are harmful and unhealthy. It is common for people to turn to behaviors like substance abuse, eating disorders, self-harm, sex, and/or overexercising to help them cope. But here’s the thing…these behaviors may help us feel better at the moment because of the chemical changes they elicit in our brains, but they don’t help our brains actually feel any safer when they are over, so our distress persists (and usually increases in intensity). I found refuge by becoming a patient at Allay Health and Wellness at a point in my life I was lost and needed support on a personal caring level. There are ways to honor our body’s processes and help it re-establish a sense of safety. There are ways to help your system release the tension it has been holding for years. There are ways to stop the intrusive thoughts and the nightmares. And there are ways our bodies and brains can find sustained relief by turning to temporary agents that are controlled by educated medical professionals like Katy who utilize KAT. Things can get better, Allay Health and Wellness helped me instill new ways to allow me to heal over the last 4 years. It was a long process, but with the support I received even when I gave up, Katy did not give up on me. Your brain and body need an opportunity to find that safety and experience proof that safety is possible. Even if it is just one human being encouraging and not giving up on you, like Katy enters your life it's possible. Your body needs an opportunity to allow that energy that has been stored to be released, and your entire being needs support in learning how to regulate so emotions don’t feel so terrifying anymore. You don’t have to live in overwhelming fear or in numbness. You deserve to be able to fully engage in your life, your relationships, and your environment. Katy offered that to me. Allay Health and Wellness, helped me take the proper steps in my life to get to this point, offering me support that's unmatched by other providers and I thank you all so much for saving my life so many times. I can’t be any more appreciative and thankful for all your undivided treatment over the years. Meagan Hickman